[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
You Might Also Like
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.