I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
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RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Bill is short for Billiam
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*