Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
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Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …
and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Don’t leave the milk out overnight.