Me: emphatic no; five letters
Me: pistol; three letters
Me: disgust; three letters
Me: charity; four letters
Me: female sheep; three letters
Me: Pixar movie; two letters
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
my luck, when someone actually falls in love with me, they will only tell me so shouted in German
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Why do you want to be Jedi?
[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.
*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap