I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
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Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
This was my dad’s browser history.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”