Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Chicago: hurt me
Me: eats pizza with a spoon
20s: Fear Of Missing Out
40s: Fear Of Being Included
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.