I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
scared to check what name she chose
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]