just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I can’t be the only one 😂
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Worst Native American name ever.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]