I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
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what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
that colleague who touches your screen
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.