Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?
Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity if she’d been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.
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Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[first day as a lawyer]
ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor.
JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.