Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes