@suecorvette

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

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@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@bartandsoul

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

@therepoguy

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

@CallMeDraper

Bath time without my phone:

10 minutes

Bath time with my phone:

45 minutes
75 retweets
1 wrinkly baby

@TheDailySchmuck

If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret.

Then punch the person in the face.

@weinerdog4life

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

@Parkerlawyer

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

@FunnyTunes

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

@Dawn_M_

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

@better_off_dad2

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’