@suecorvette

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

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@theriouthly

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

@heartbread

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

@ninetek

if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes

@TheTweetOfGod

Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.

@AverageCorners

“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

@GrantTanaka

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

@NYC_Blonde

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.