[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes
Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.
“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Imagine if people still used typewriters!
We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.