The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
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We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
an octopus is just a wet spider
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.