i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
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I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.