i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming