Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@WheelTod

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

@TrueTorontoGirl

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

@Blonde4Dayz

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

@WritePlay

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

@GlennyRodge

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

@SergioValenCo

You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.

@McClellandShane

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ?? ?? ???

@MomofTeen

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

@GroupieNo1

A beautiful girl said hello to me. I replied ‘thank you’ before I could think.

@PresTightrhymes

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.