[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Therapist: ?? ?? ???
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
A beautiful girl said hello to me. I replied ‘thank you’ before I could think.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.