@HatfieldAnne

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

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@TidBox

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

@dubstep4dads

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

@Reverend_Scott

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

@ItsSamG

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

@djdarrellripley

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

@JohnLyonTweets

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

@realHamOnWry

I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.

@MageOfSolitude

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

@GingerHotDish

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.