I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
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If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.