I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags