I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

You Might Also Like


Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.


I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question


I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.


“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.


The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.


[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”


My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am


From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.


Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.