@rachelle_mandik

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

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@Eightinchgoat

Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.

@SkinnerSteven

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

@junejuly12

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

@JaneBadall

“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.

@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@david8hughes

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@MarcACaputo

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.