i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

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The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.


The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.


Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?


“dad, what does extravagant mean?”

idk son. why don’t you …

[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]

ask your mother


Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.


Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help


teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind


You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on