The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“dad, what does extravagant mean?”
idk son. why don’t you …
[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]
ask your mother
Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on