@garbagecoven

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

You Might Also Like

@better_off_dad

The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

@KimmyMonte

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

@TheCiscoKidder

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

@ericsshadow

“dad, what does extravagant mean?”

idk son. why don’t you …

[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]

ask your mother

@JusticeBeever

Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.

@noog

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

@FredTaming

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

@ruraljules

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on