i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song