I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
some things should go without saying
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
you’re damn right i have
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken