I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.