@RiotGrlErin

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

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@AshaRangappa_

Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest

@ericsshadow

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

@YUCKYBOT

The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.

@mrjohndarby

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

@elle91

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

@simoncholland

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

@Anniewritess

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

@HuggyOnline

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.