Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.