I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

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Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest


I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.


The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.


murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me


I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.


If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.


When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.


Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter


Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.