I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
This made me chuckle cuz mood
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?