My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Velcrow
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO