@WhosTheresa

I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.

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@Kid_topher

In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.

@js_jacques

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

@Dawn_M_

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@simoncholland

My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.

@PajamaStew

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.