I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.

You Might Also Like


Never ask Google for relation advice.
I’ve gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.


(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
Can u exhale for me?
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.


Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief


Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?


They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”


Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the

me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-

C: Spain.


If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?


I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me


Dating Tips

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.