@WhosTheresa

I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.

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@i_wantMyBiitch

Never ask Google for relation advice.
I’ve gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.

@RadWizzy

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

@ElleOhHell

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

@rzarosco

Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?

@YoungNobler

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

@iamspacegirl

Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the

me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-

C: Spain.

@bonehugsnirony

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@Dawn_M_

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.