In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.
I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.
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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.