*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
use this coupon for the pizza
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
Im in something called pizza jail
Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?
I’m getting married!
Well, I have a new boyfriend!
Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!
FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.
no, dont go there
dont touch that
no, leave it alone
keep your hands off!
a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)
Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’
Me: ‘How do you know??’
Her: ‘You live next door.’
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.