@abrianmc

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

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@UncleDuke1969

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

@SaraESpivey

After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

@murrman5

use this coupon for the pizza
its expired
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
hello
Im in something called pizza jail

@Underchilde

Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?

Good times!

@LipstickSpice

I’m getting married!

Well, I have a new boyfriend!

Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!

FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.

@amazymay72x

no, dont go there

dont touch that

no, leave it alone

keep your hands off!

a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)

@better_off_dad2

*in bed*

Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’

Me: ‘How do you know??’

Her: ‘You live next door.’

@kristabellerina

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.