I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Practicing safe sax
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
So sick of all these stupid rules
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep