@abrianmc

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

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@_mindflakes

Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds

@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

@FinnMcIver

our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it

@ParasiteHilton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

@KateWhineHall

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

@JohnLyonTweets

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

@Keefler_Elf

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

@thepaulasuzanne

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

@iAmDelFreaky

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.