[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
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you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?