I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Good morning