I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
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Rather alarming headline…
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.