I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I want this so bad
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
This is true.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine