I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
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Cartman: Respect my
a a
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The answer is funnier than the question
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.