I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.