I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
*limbos under the caution tape
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
this independent good boy don’t need no human
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat