Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
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Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath
Bad cop: Let me scare her a bit.
Good cop: Not yet, I think she’s going to break.
Britney: My loneliness is killing me.
Good cop: But did you kill him?
Britney: And I, I must confess.
Good cop: Here we go
Britney: I still believe
Bad cop: Jesus Christ
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.