I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

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Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy


Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face


A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath



Bad cop: Let me scare her a bit.

Good cop: Not yet, I think she’s going to break.

Britney: My loneliness is killing me.

Good cop: But did you kill him?

Britney: And I, I must confess.

Good cop: Here we go

Britney: I still believe

Bad cop: Jesus Christ


You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic


Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*


Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?


I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.


It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.