@Gooooats

I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being

I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being

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@MetteAngerhofer

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

@skittle624

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble!

Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble

CW: What was that?

Me: You too

@stevevsninjas

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

@hunz74

Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.

@dorsalstream

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

@QwertyJones3

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

@Floatersfinest

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?