I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.