I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
You Might Also Like
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
this FaceApp is creepy af
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?