I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
You can’t outrun your problems…
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos