I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
my favorite genre of twitter
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.