I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.