@ceejoyner

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

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@Shenaniglenns

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

@Laser_Cat

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

@JermHimselfish

Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.

@ch000ch

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

@Mardigroan

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

@shkeeber

Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.

@LindseyEllison2

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

@GoldenSpirals

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

@michaeljhudson

When Edison got the idea for the lightbulb, an oil lamp appeared over his head.