Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.