@_steamy_mac

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

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@THEDUTHCHESS

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

@kyle_thatisall

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

@Pro_Jones_

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

@Browtweaten

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

@ItsMeAshleyWee

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

@CheryeDavis

Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all…So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.

@Jamie1947

In my youth, there was no “snapschapts”.
If you liked a young lady, you’d draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.

@thedad

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box