me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
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Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.