Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
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With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.