My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!