I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.