I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
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Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
kevin is now a local weatherman
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
sleeping beauty
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated