Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
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*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
40% of divorces stem from $ issues.
40% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?