@Lunatic_times

I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

You Might Also Like

@Swishergirl24

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

@jessokfine

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

@MrsJekyllsHyde

In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?

@jxeker

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

@mrjohndarby

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

@MavenofHonor

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

@whereami18

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

@nPhelendriqal

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

@fuzzlime

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done