I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

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My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.


When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.


In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?


i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police



me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits


Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases


I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them


I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.


if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done