*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room