Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
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Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses