@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

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@ojedge

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

@ObscureGent

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

@BigJDubz

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@lexiedawn

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

@_Tempo11

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

@timdonakowski

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

@AbbieEvansXO

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*