[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*
*spoon just disappears*
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
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Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!
I like the way this kid thinks!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*