I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

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It came from my waffles.

“PSST,” again.

“What?” I ask, furtively.

“You look really nice today.”

Complimentary Breakfast


I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective


I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.


“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”


I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.


Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.


My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.


Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully


My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.


What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.