I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

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My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.



Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
M: Wanna get in my genes?
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?


“I’m a model.” I see. And does anybody else know that?


Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots


Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account


“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”


wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]


GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die


INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one