It came from my waffles.
“What?” I ask, furtively.
“You look really nice today.”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.