I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: