I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
You Might Also Like
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Lol.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?