[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture