I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.