I dated a guy so arrogant he walked into a post while looking at his reflection in a store window. I left him.

Unconscious on the street.

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FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys


me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
jesus: “keith?”


“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”


[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.


‘90s movie villain: You have 2 minutes to hack into the pentagon or I’ll blow your head off!

Hacker: (frantically starts fumbling at an AOL disc package)


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.


You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.


*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.


If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.