FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I dated a guy so arrogant he walked into a post while looking at his reflection in a store window. I left him.
Unconscious on the street.
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me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
‘90s movie villain: You have 2 minutes to hack into the pentagon or I’ll blow your head off!
Hacker: (frantically starts fumbling at an AOL disc package)
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.