I dated a guy so arrogant he walked into a post while looking at his reflection in a store window. I left him.

Unconscious on the street.

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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.


Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn


people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence


how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands


ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?


I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.


Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.


Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.