people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
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I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My whole life was a lie.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.