I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing